It is hurting me so much when i realise gradually the fact that people are so closed minded. Their mind has to be a certain shape, they have to think a certain way, to have a certain style, a certain way of dressing, a certain way of learning, a certain way of talking, a certain way of expressing themselves, certain times when you have to say certain things, certain sexuality, certain religion, certain image so certain people see certain things about you, certain, certain, certain. We all live in a box, or a multitude of boxes within a bigger box where we're forced to match a certain pattern and is so painfull, especially when you are waking up, stepping out of the "CERTAIN" box and see everyone that is in and the way that they are acting, thinking and blindly following. Everybody is so focused to be accepted, to be like everybody else, to maintain an etiquette, a certain etiquette and it's such a shame, especially when you are able to see people on their inside, the inside of their masks, the inside of their so carefully built masks. Everything now is revolved around masks. Everything people do nowadays is to take incredibly perfect care of their so precious masks. Meanwhile, THEY are rotting on the inside, they do not nurture in any way any other aspect of themselves, letting them go to waste. It's like you are having the smartest, capabale robot in the world (it's the first thing that came to my mind) that can do anything beyond imagination and all you do with it is dress it up and play with it along with your barbies. People are not toys, but for some reason they want to belive they are, they want to belive they're plastic objects that have to only look a certain way that is socially decided as "good" so they are accepted. It's really hard in a world in which people's minds are exactly like a closed, even sealed box, to feel like having a mind that feels like the sky, not because of the apearance, but because of the openness. I feel so open about so many things, sometimes it seems just too open. It seems wrong, but it feels so right so i am going to stick with it.
            It's so hard for me to be who I actually am, because i am constantly feeling that i am wrong, that EVERYTHING i do is wrong. Sometimes i just feel like going and talking with someone, just like that, but i, for some reason, can not do it. I, for some reason, just turn away, almost without being able to control myself, thinking that is the wrong time, the wrong type of converation, or that i am the wrong type of person in that moment to talk to, that i am not good enaugh in their eyes, even though i know, like I FUCKING KNOW that i am incredibly awesome and i secretly sincerely think that i can make myself likeable by anyone, not by doing what "i have to do", but just by being myself and for some fucked up reason i just can't. I feel under so much pressure, it's like one day my personality is going to pop and i am going to splutter everywhere with color and love, 'cause that's what i feel and also i feel the need to express it.
          I also feel that the accent is on appeareance so much because our real value is within ourselves, so we are forced to occupy ourselves so much with the superficial values which are constantly chainging, so we won't have time to evolve our true selves and gain actual power which is in all of us. People are such incredibly beautiful, breathtaking beings, so interesting, so complex, if everyone would be who they secretly are, everything would be easier and everyone would be mostly happy. A person should have the option to their own sexuality, their own style, their own lifestile, their own choice of order of events, their own ways of expression, without being constrained to a pattern of any kind. Of course there have to be rules, of course there has to be a way of living so people don't burst into chaos, but it's not chaos if people dress as they want, if people have individual preferences, if people pierce themselves, tattoo themselves or whatever whatknot they want to do to themselves, it's not chaos if people express themselves, especially in terms of apeareance, because if they will do that, hey will feel exactly as they are, with a burst of happiness, confidence, and fulfillment. It's like we are all wearing a worldwide type of uniform and in extension we start to act in conformity to that uniform. There comes the question: "But you just wrote about superficiallity being wrong and the focus on aspect and now you talk about how the aspect should be different?". YES. Because, that is the first way we are being kept under submission, as long as this is no longer a factor of control, the change starts to appear and hopefully more and more people will start to wake up and step outside of the "CERTAIN" box...

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